Whether it’s with several new friends all attempting to really get to understand one another more intimately, or if you are merely planning to come up to speed on your closest friend’s latest sexual escapades, we’ve all played Never Have I Ever (AKA I’ve Never) more times than we’d care to admit.
No matter how often you engage with this coming-of-age, authentically Australian pastime, I believe we all can agree that there’s always one Essential Betty who destroys fucking everything:
“Oh-mi-gawd, never have I ever, like, ahhhmmmmm – Oh-mi-gawd, never have I ever…”
“… HAD SEX BEFORE.”
There is one man, however, who is much worse than the unimaginative fuckwit just mentioned. Let us call them, Clueless Carol:
“Ummmm, oh-mi-gawd men, I do not understand!”
“FFS, Carol, get your shit together.
*30 second pause*
“Oh-mi-gawd men, I literally can not even. Just, like, skip me and I Will have a drink instead.”
Well done, you’ve just destroyed the flow of the game. GET. YOUR. SHIT. TOGETHER. CAROL.
To make sure Basic Bettys and Clueless Carols don’t destroy your odds of becoming fuck-eyed this long weekend, we’ve compiled a list of Never Have I Ever questions that strike a balance between pop culture (’cause it is our noise) the filthy shit y’all understand and adore. Remember children, do not get deflected – you are playing with this game for a reason:
Never have I felt personally victimised by Mike Baird and Regina George?
Never have I ever made a buddy see a TV show that I UNDERSTAND they’re going to love, only to have them be deflected the entire time.
Never have I kicked a friend out of my house when I’ve made them watch a TV show for being diverted.
Never have I ever, not only worn Crocs, but felt in them for fantastic too.
Never have I possessed a Motorola flip-phone.
Never have I ever sexually fantasised about someone in this room.
Never have I ever acted on aforementioned sexual fantasies.
Never have I ever seen my parents do the sex.
Never have I ever done the sex in my parents’ bed.
Never have I done the sex in a sibs bed.
Never have I had literally zero recollection of the night before.
Never have I peed in the shower while shouting “YOLOOOOOOO” at the top of my lungs.
Never have I thought about gettin’ freaky with a teacher, tutor or lecturer.
Never have I ever had a tac-yack after necking too much gunch (goon punch, dingbats).
Never have I woken up in fuck all clothing on the side of the street.
Never have I had diarrhoea and vomited simultaneously.
Never have I ever enjoyed any of you fucking people.
Never have I ever played with this game.
Never have I ever injected one whole pot.
Never have I slept with someone in this room.
Never have I ever masturbated on an airplane.
Never have I ever taken a selfie.
Never have I uploaded a selfie at a period in which I consider it’ll get the most likes.
Never have I ever watched or read Harry Potter.
Never have I ever watched porn with another person.
Never have I ever had sex with someone older than me.
Never have I slept with someone of meeting them within an hour or so.
Never have I ever watched every episode of Sex and the City.
Never have I ever been called the Samantha of my group.
Never have I ever been called the Carrie of my group.
Never have I been called the Charlotte of my group.
Never have I ever been called the Miranda of my group.
Never have I ever been explosively about being contemplated the Miranda of my group angry.
Never have I ever had a fall out with a close group of friends because they’ve all unanimously concurred I’m the Miranda of the group and I’m not going to take that shit.
Never have I ever refrained because I’m not ready to commit to not eating for the remaining evening from brushing my teeth.
Never have I ever completed my duty two weeks ahead of time, sought opinions from my tutor, had several friends proof-read it and score a high mark.
Never have I had a good chuckle at the last question, but briefly examined my existence and contemplated what in fuck’s name I’m doing with my life.
Never have I repurposed a common household thing as a sex toy.
Never have I slept with someone on account of the social media following that was notable.
Never have I ever believed anyone who refers to themselves as a social influencer should be put out of their distress.
Never have I ever required medical attention because there was a foreign object stuck inside me.
Never have I ever increased or decreased the number of folks I’ve slept with.
Never have I been inappropriately intoxicated at work drinks.
Never have I ever been drunk at an intimate family gathering.
Never have I triple-dropped dingoes that are smacky at an intimate family party.
Never have I ever seen my grandmother get fuck-eyed she took her wig off.
Never have I ever uttered the phrase do you know who the fuck I ‘m?”.
Never have I earnestly said, “I’LL RUIN YOU”.
Never have I ever been a homeschooled jungle fanatic.
Among Adele’s songs has never I whilst severely inebriated.
Never have I lost my virginity with more than one man in a scenario.
Never have I ever opened Blue Waffle on someone’s computer in high school.
Never have I ever found some shut-eye whilst giving or receiving fellatio.
Never have I believed Tom Hardy is the mythical / baller cunt to have existed.
Never have I told a friend they appear great, even though they look like a polished turd, just so I’m able ot get my butt to the club.
Never have I ever had sex in the rear of a Balinese taxi.
Never have I ever fake I was in a music video while staring out the window of any given type of public transport (most likely listening to 50 Cent).
Never have I ever hit a dart.
Never have I ever rolled a combined even Bob Marley would be impressed by.
Never have I ever touched a vagina with my tongue.
We sincerely hope you are responsibly blind by now, so go forth and fuck shit up children. You never know, perhaps you’ll do something so stupid we’ll wind up writing about you’.